0 In Soulsearching

Time: my worst enemy

As you may recall, last week I posted about the beginning of a quest for happiness through self-diagnosis. In that post (click here to check it out) I wrote about a routine to follow for a week, in which I would have to write down everyday a list with things that made me unhappy, followed by some meditation time. Here is the reality shock: I did not meditate everyday. I failed miserably in that respect but I do plan to get more strict in the future regarding meditation (Remember: only a few minutes a day can really have an impact on your wellbeing). On the good side, the first step of the process I did accomplish. So, luckily, I did not write everyday, which means that I did not feel angry, or anxious, every day of the week. Making this list proved very useful, because spotting an emerging behaviour led me to consciously act to stop it, instead of letting it build up into a general pessimistic mood state.

I am not going to share the whole list with you, as it does look quite ridiculous, I found the common denominator, the one constant variable across all situations: TIME. I do not manage my time well, and from there emerge a series of situations, such as not having time to prepare breakfast before heading to work, or having time to cook lunch beforehand but then forgetting it (along with my wallet), or having been up and about for 3 hours but not having gotten any proper work done… Ok, by now you must think that my problem is WORK, but it isn’t. It is weekend now and I am still stressed, with no reason whatsoever. And I want to end this. I must confess this blog isn’t helping as of yet, but rather increasing my stress levels. There, I said it.

My relationship with time is of an odd nature. I feel that I cannot deliver on time all the things that I want to get done, because I feel I need always an extra amount of time to get to a place where I can actually get things done. In simple words, PROCRASTINATION is too much embedded into my life dynamics. If procrastination were a liquid substance, it would surely be running through my veins. My mind tells me that I should cut myself some slack, as I basically do a “thinking job”, and the thinking process shall not be constrained by pressure. Yet taking all this extra time makes me unhappy.

Even though living without time pressure of any sort is the kind of life I always aimed for, perhaps a structured routine is actually helpful. Who knows, perhaps this limbo of melting hours I often allow myself to live in causes more pressure, than (a bit of) time pressure itself. Over-indulgence is not gonna get me anywhere.

A couple of days ago I found this great post in Forbes. Of all the things on the list, I can start working on a few ones, and will do so this week:

  1. Feeling overwhelmed. I will plan my tasks carefully. I always do, I am a planner, but this time I need to be both realistic and strict, and
  2. Finish what I start. Namely, I will finish the tasks on my list before moving on to the next ones.
  3. Procrastination and distraction. Funny how they rhyme with “destruction”, right? In the next weeks I’m going to keep procrastination to a minimum, by setting fixed times for activities, and try to stick to them no matter how much it pains me.

Next time I’ll be speaking about the routine I followed this week, and whether it caused changes in my attitude for the better. After all, this blog reflects my quest for change. I am certainly not unhappy, but I want to experience transparent bliss, and not a form of happiness that can vary as a function of my love/hate relationship with time. In a way, this blog is a diary of change. Only that change never stops.


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